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Regular Family Meetings to Solve Problems: some guidance to have a great experience

Regular Family Meetings to Solve Problems: some guidance to have a great experience

Written by Judith Richardson

Often Parents ask about the merits of holding regular family meetings.

In my experience they bring families together in a good way, prevent future problems and create warmth in the relationships. Children can feel a sense of belonging and importance if they are included in a safe forum for solving conflicts that inevitably arise. And if there are no problems to discuss, the time can be spent discussing general issues, sharing family values, and planning and reflecting on fun stuff such as family holidays and special occasions.


However, there are some traps to avoid, and tricks to help family meetings become more effective which I have outlined below.

Setting the Stage:

Always schedule meetings for a time that suits everyone and ensure it is a time when people feel fresh and relaxed (no-problem time.)

 I find the mornings are best as we are at our most relaxed and a Sunday late breakfast seems to work well too. Or if mornings are difficult due to the rush out the door to school and work, maybe finding a quiet time over the weekend would work well.

Remind your family ahead of time so they can plan their time and be prepared and do remember to reassure your children that this is a no-lose problem-solving event. (PET Session 6 & 7). 

It is important to have an agenda and if you have a lot to get through, break it up into two meetings. Too many items can overwhelm children. Invite your children to add items to the agenda – especially ahead of time and if you don’t get through your agenda reschedule, don’t rush or push to get finished.  Be open and inclusive by giving everyone an agenda (or use a whiteboard or other creative methods?)  For younger children you can use illustrations.

Set some guidelines together that everyone agrees to – maybe this could be the agenda for the first scheduled family meeting you have.  Some ideas might be to rotate who leads the meeting, how often and when they will be held, following up on last meetings to get feedback etc… 

Remember to get the kids excited about the potential of meetings so they are a family event that is looked forward to and a time where everyone comes together and trust is built.  

Holding Your Family Meeting:

  • Keep the time-frame short, on topic and snappy to accommodate differing attention spans. 
  • Make meetings fun and upbeat and don’t be afraid to use humour as it creates warmth and connection.  
  • Start with low level problems such as how to spend some time together, what to do with old toys or what to do for Christmas, on Sunday or birthday events etc., and build up your skills and your family’s confidence slowly. 
  • Only discuss problems that are pertinent to the whole family.  
  • As you will be using Method III, you will need to record outcomes – who is to do what by when etc.  (Method III, Step 5), and make a time for follow-up (Step 6.) that is visible for everyone to review – say on the fridge.  During the process use lots of active listening to your children’s needs and to any resistance (even the smallest amount of pushback should be attended to).
  • Make sure everyone is included – use gentle door openers to include everyone. “I’m interested in hearing from everyone, what are your thoughts…?”.
  • Remember the question “What will that do for me?” for deepening and clarifying everyone’s needs… Gold!  
  • Know ahead of time and be very clear about what your unmet needs are. 
  • Use positive I-Messages throughout to show your appreciation for their cooperation and willingness to spend time helping to sort out a few family issues.  “I really appreciate everyone’s input and the way we have been able to sort out these problems.” 
  • Remember the P.E.T. Workbook and Text have some excellent material on Method III. 

When Meetings Are Getting Off Track:

  • If side issues appear you can note these for attending to at another time – stay focused. 
  • Keep using your whole suite of I-Messages to state your needs and direct the process, remembering to keep the tone positive. 
  • Watch for signs or signals that your children are experiencing overwhelm or ‘meeting fatigue’ and wrap it up with an agreement to reconvene at another agreed time. 
  • If the whole process feels stuck and you have listened then maybe it is better to reconvene and rethink the process in order to make sure you are clear about everyone’s needs. 
  • Get some coaching or advice from your P.E.T. Instructor if you are stuck. 

Some Traps do not:

  • Hold Family problem solving meetings when you are tired, hungry, angry or stressed – (or when the kids are!) Method III requires an environment of goodwill. 
  • Make them too serious or drawn-out or you may find your children will not participate freely in the future.
  • Don’t use accusatory (You-Messages). This only sends a message of blame.            
  • Make them only to get parents’ needs met – consider everyone’s point of view.
  • Use these forums to solve problems that could be solved through ‘Modifying the Environment’ or ‘Modifying Yourself’ skills…
  • Use power or coercion to get kids on board or to move through Method III.
  • Give-up before everyone is onboard with mutually agreed solutions that meet their needs.  
  • Make it too formal – this can be stressful for you and your children.
  • Use bribery or threats to get your needs met. 
  • Use roadblocks and get preachy if you become frustrated – better to stop and regroup and learn from your mistakes than to keep beating a drum that nobody wants to hear.
  • Beat yourself up if it doesn’t go well.  Start another time with a smaller and lighter feeling agenda…

Holding Family Problem Solving Meetings regularly will have so many benefits for your whole family and raise trust and confidence within your relationships.  

As you ‘Model’ the Method III ‘No-Lose’ family problem solving skills you will create a template of fairness and democracy that will support your children in their other relationships and sustain them throughout their adult life. 

by Victorian P.E.T. Instructor 

Judith Richardson

Judith Richardson

Judith Richardson

VIC

I believe we have been longing our whole lives to be real and authentic with ourselves and others - these programs teach us how. 1. P.E.T. Program It's rare to find a parent these days who isn't feeling stressed and tired from juggling life's demands. To benefit from P.E.T. you just need the desire to learn how to build warmer closer relationships with your children that will stand the test of teenagehood and beyond. P.E.T. is just the right balance of learning powerful and practical communication skills and a philosophy that will support you in creating harmony in your home. Parents graduate from their training feeling calmer and more confident and competent to handle their parenting and lifestyle challenges. 2. Be Your Best Program - a personal empowerment program for everyone: With all the skills of P.E.T. but with more emphasis on taking more control of your life and becoming way more assertive and getting more of your personal needs met! Great program for anyone who wants to be more effective and highly recommended for parents also. “I discovered ways to find peaceful resolutions to conflicts and how to break certain patterns within my life. I feel more skilled in how to maintain deep personal relationships through honest and authentic communication.” Kim Victoria, Dandenong Ranges. 3. Instructor Training: Becoming a BYB or P.E.T. instructor is one of the most rewarding things I have done. If you really want to become a Master Communicator, this is a great way to do it. I offer training in a variety of ways to allow flexibility to suit our busy lives. Please call to discuss. 4. Instructor Refreshers: A fun way for instructors to stay current and connected or to get coaching for re-entering teaching. These can be 1:1 or in a small group, either in person or via Zoom. Whatever your needs, I look forward to talking with you and exploring the possibilities these wonderful programs offer. Warm regards, Judith Please call me on M:0416036961

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The Effectiveness Training Institute of Australia (ETIA) Ltd is a not-for-profit, community based organisation that is dedicated to making courses in communication and conflict resolution skills available and accessible to all people in Australia.

ETIA’s mission is to provide individuals with effective communication and conflict resolution skills to build connected, harmonious relationships.

Our inspiration and programs come from the late Dr Thomas Gordon who is the author and founder of Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) program and Gordon Training International (GTI).

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